On Our Way

Well, a lot has happened since last weekend! The trip to and from SC wasn't too bad. Dick and I talked and it seems he is in the same boat as me. NO WE ARE NOT GETTING BACK TOGETHER!!! It was just nice to be able to talk to him with out fighting! I was able to spend some extra time with Josh, but of course the entire ride "home" was full of fighting from Rick. I was not looking forward to coming back at all. Well, I went to work Monday morning at my new job that I was so excited about.. turns out the chick is CRAZY!!! The place had no heat, not a stitch of furniture and get this... she has no message therapists!! So, once I got home I made a phone call to SIP and I started back there Tuesday night. I love it there! I was going to do my normal shifts like I did before then I thought I would work 3 day shifts a week at Sip and then 2 day shifts at the spa, so I called Annie and told her and was supposed to go into the Spa on Thursday and Friday guess what? She cancelled on me??!! What is that about? Oh well, now I am thinking that I will try and clean a couple of houses a week and then I should be good. I am sure that Foster will let me work a Saturday or something. Then the kids and I went and looked at the house on 20. It's nice but after much thought and PRAYER I decided that it was just too much money, and really too big for us. So I went back to looking and turns out the house in Ballground is still available. It's only 2 bedrooms, but its brand new and beautiful! After a week of being alone again, I borrowed money from Foster (I just love him) and put the deposit down on the house today!!!! We move in the 15th of this month, if not before. I did my income tax and am getting back a couple thousand so as soon as I get that, I will pay the first month's rent, get everything turned on and then we are out of here!! I am actually getting a car too!!! Lauren's dad bought her a stick that she can't drive so he is going to let me make payments to him!!! And the house is total electric so no gas bill which will save me another 100 bucks a month, plus I don't have to pay 450 for a car (can probably pay as little as 200) so we will be just fine. I just need to find a fridge, washer/dryer and furniture.. I am sure that Rick isn't going to let me take anything, we may be lucky to get out of here with Chelsea's TV, but I am not expecting him to take this easily. So, thrift store here we go.. We will have to get a cooler for milk and tea, and sleep on the floor for a while, but we will be ok. We are going to make this happen and we are going to be happy and relaxed! I hope.. I just hate that I have to be alone. I do love Rick very much but he hurts me so bad and he hurts my kids.. He doesn't treat them like they are his he has NO RESPECT for me at all. So I deserve to be happy, it just sucks that he wasn't anything that he said he was. I mean I expected to be taken care of financially and emotionally, that's what he promised me and he hasn't given me any of that!!! I am not sure when I am going to tell him or how.. and I'm not sure what type of reaction I am going to get. I am expecting the worst. So we will see. It's funny because he only talks to me when he needs something, and I am so sick of that. I want to be treated like a wife, like a friend I just don't think that will ever happen with him. Or Suz was sooo happy for me. I thought she was going to cry. She has been sick all week, so I haven't spoken to her except to check on her so I filled her in on everything and I really thought she was going to cry. Here we go.. Apparently Rick has sold his 4 wheeler and needs a truck, so he is asking me if I can call Suz and see if she will let us borrow it.. What a freaking self absorbed, self centered ass whole!!!! Oh, and btw the cell phones got turned off for a couple of hours this week, guess he "forgot" to pay it.. I can't wait to be able to do my own thing worrying only about me and my babies and can just relax!!!! Well, I will keep this thing posted as much as I can not really sure if he is going to let me even take the laptop.. We shall see...

A New Day

Well, I got a JOB!! It's at a spa, which will be a great benefit, I'm sure..It's a little far (45 minutes), but I will be basically be running the place. The lady is moving from another location, so there will be a lot of "dirt" work to do this coming week, but I think it's going to be good. The pay isn't bad nor are the hours, so hopefully I will still be able to be a mom and figure out what I am doing home wise soon. Oh, I got a phone call last night from Jodie's mom (Jamie's girlfriend) telling me that Jodi's cousin (14) shot herself and Jodi was there and saw the whole thing. It just breaks my heart to know that a baby, my babies age felt like that was the only thing that she could do.. I cried myself to sleep last night, and of course all Rick could say was that sucks.. What support huh? Then he actually asked today if I could take one of the little kids to a birthday party tomorrow. When I told him that I would be in SC getting the kids he gets an attitude and says unless Dick pays me that I am not "allowed" to meet him. Well, excuse me my kids are up there. I am so sick and tired of fighting with guys over crap... Tired of it. I just have to be strong and get through this. It just seems like I can't stay "up" for long. I knew this day would go to shit. At least my best friend is supportive and happy for me. I thought she was going to cry when I called to tell her. I'm just sick of guys... I think I may turn gay (not really, I'm just that sick of men!!) I keep telling myself that I will be ok by myself, and I don't need Rick, but I love him and I want him to love me but I also know how it feels when you DON'T love someone.. I didn't love Dick and all the praying and crying trying to figure out how to love him didn't help. It's funny because I find myself doing the same thing now except this time I'm praying that God will make me NOT love Rick. Not working too well for me. I guess we will see how the rest of the day goes and tomorrow.. Not looking forward to driving 6 hrs and then dealing with both men in the same day. Just don't know what to do about staying going, keeping the peace or standing my ground..

What To Do

Ok, well it's been a week since I have written anything, and nothing has changed. Actually, it's probably gotten worse. The kids are at Dick's this week for winter break. I went to mom's for a couple of days AFTER I worked for Rick. I know, I'm stupid because he can't understand why I can't just "help him out". After I have refused to do anything else for him.. Working events some 100 miles away for NOTHING, he actually had the balls to tell me that I had to get child support from Dick..I know that Dick hasn't paid anything in almost a month, but I have contacted everyone that I can contact and have been told that I have to wait until his hasn't paid for a complete month. Of course I told Rick that I didn't understand how he can continue to work and not get paid... He actually told me that it was an "investment in the future and that he didn't expect me to understand". After a fight and me trying to explain to him that he was going to lose his house, and that everything was going to start getting shut off (the water was turned off for a little while on Tuesday) he said that if my ex husband would pay child support---I then said that if he would get off his ass and get a job that paid.. Needless to say he hung up on me. I have called my friend in real estate and he has a house that he owns that he will rent to me. It's 20 minutes away from the kids school (out of district), and it's a dump.. but I don't have any other options.. I could go "home" but I want my kids to finish school where they are and not have to change, plus I'm not sure that I could handle living with who I would have to live with. PLUS I wouldn't and I'm not going to have a car.. I just don't know what to do. I don't have a job....I just can't keep taking this. Oh, and he has the money to pay for HIS kids to go to private school but he bitches about me spending 160.00 at walmart on an oil change, and stuff for HIS event that I worked. He is a miserable person and I can't change him or make him happy. He deserves to be alone. I just wish that I felt the same lack of love and caring for him as I did for Dick at the end. There are times that I wish that I would have just stayed with Dick. I mean I lived in a home that I owned that I LOVED, my kids were happy and settled and he wasn't even anywhere close to the asswhole that Rick is... If only I had 2 or 3 thousand dollars, then I could get the hell out of here and more importantly get my kids out of here.... I will just have to be strong and stay quiet.. until I can get money together, and the house that my friend has gets ready to move in. There is a lot of work that has to be done, so hopefully I will get a job by then and that move will only be temporary.. I just don't know. Well, got to go-I get to watch HIS kids tonight-AWESOME.. So looking forward to that! My babies will be here Sunday (well, I'll have to go half way and get them). It's just the same stuff every day.. I keep wanting to wake up and be happy and taken care of but I guess I am the only one that can do those things. Just don't know how they are possible... We'll see

The Beginning

Well, I'm not going to go all the way back to the beginning, because I know how it begins. I will start by saying that I am in marriage number 2 and it isn't working out. I was married the first time for 14 1/2 years and I have 3 wonderful children from that. Looking back now, I guess my life wasn't so bad. I mean I didn't love him but we were comfortable. When I say that, I mean settled. It's almost like I had become numb to the emotional side of things and I had adjusted to where I was in my life. I had always been a mom first. Money was always tight but we had just bought our first home after 14 years of renting and moving what seemed like every 6 months. He was never around. I raised the kids, made sure all the bills were paid and had a handful of (what I thought at the time) of best friends. We knew one another, knew what was expected and how the other acted. Comfortable... I got to the point where I didn't want to spend the rest of my life not feeling love by a man and I wanted to be happy, so I left. We had technically been seperated for months, just living in the same house. Then I met my current husband on line. When it was finally over with my ex (he got a girlfriend), then I kind of had to leave. I moved in with my current husband. Mistake #1. I have NEVER been on my own. I went from living with my parents to being married at 18, to being seperated with my husband to living with my boyfriend. It was kind of like a good samaratian on the part of my "boyfriend". I didn't have anywhere to go. I was actually staying in a hotel. Because of the drama and lack of money to take care of my children, We decieded they would live with my ex. I wanted to keep them in their school and I knew that if I didn't give my ex a reason to stay in town, he would leave the state, not pay child support and then I would lose everything. I thought I was doing what was best for my kids. Boy was I wrong. I should have NEVER left that house. I should have made him leave and keep that house (that was in my name BTW) and deal with things from there. If I could go back to that moment, I would change that much. Hell, I would probably just stay with my ex and remained in a loveless marriage. At least I wasn't required to do certain things and I know that my kids would be so much better off. Things with my second husband started off great. While we were dating he treated me like a queen. We went to expensive dinners ($300.00), he bought me tons of stuff (120.00 blue jeans), and really paid attention to me. I knew that this was how I wanted to spend the rest of life.. Well we got engaged about 5 months from the day we met. He planned a cruise for our wedding. Mistake #2.. Of course it would just be the two of us. I wanted my kids there and I should have said "lets have a wedding here, then go on a cruise", but I was still in the old mind frame of I don't have an opinion and if I do it's wrong, so I didn't say too much about it. About a week before the cruise we got into a huge fight and he told me not to worry about going that he was sure that he could find someone else (he actually named an old girlfriend) that would love to go. Mistake #3!!! I should have called things right there. I was still only living in his home, my kids didn't even have beds to sleep in. They were sleeping on blowup mats when they came for the weekend. But stupid me, thought I didn't want to give up this lifestyle, so I gave in to whatever he asked and that's the way it's been. It's been really rough-about a year after we were married I was awarded custody of my kids-they wanted to come live with me so we went to court and it was done. I was so happy. My husband on the other hand not at all. He started finding everything that he could to fuss about. He would actually bitch because the kids were getting crumbs in the barstool chairs!!!! I made sure that what ever the kids did I kept everything from him (I am going to start calling him Rick, and my first husband will be Dick, ok?) I would make sure that the house was spotless at all times, and if Rick decided not to get up until noon on Saturday I would keep the kids completely silent until then. Oh, have I mentioned that he has 3 kids too-they were a year old, 4 and 7 when we met (I think). So yeah, not only was I raising my 3 kids but his too. But I tried to be a great mom and and even better wife. Mistake #4-I should have put my kids before him and I didn't.. I have hurt my children so much over the past 3 years all because of him. He thinks that kids shouldn't be kids. That he doesn't want messes or singing or dancing. I have made a statement to him recently about this being more like a prison than a home..It's the truth. We can only watch TV that he approves of or he will make horrible comments and tell us to turn that shit off. He complains about everything we do so we have no enjoyment in anything!! I have lost contact with my dad because of him. My ex husband has decided to remain "family" with my family. Yeah it sucks and I hate it. It just sucks because I don't have any support on my side anymore. I am really alone and now Rick has come to me and told me that he is miserable, and that he doesn't know what he wants any more. Well I just can't keep breaking down and begging him to love me. I finally told him last night (after having a fight over facebook!) that he has to fight for me. Prove to me that he loves me and tell me that he doesn't want to live without me and that he wants to grow old with me. I don't see it happening so I really need to get my act together and figure out what I'm going to do. Oh and because of all the stress in this house one of my boys now lives with Dick 6hrs away!! So, lets see.. I have lost my God,my father, and my son because of this ass whole but I still want to work it out and spend the rest of my life with him??? What the hell is wrong with me? Am I afraid of being alone? If that's what it is I have to grow up... I need to realize that if I don't then I will be miserable for the rest of my life. It truly sucks to love someone and not have them love you back. To promise to do whatever it takes to make a marriage work only to have the other person not try. I started looking for a house last week. And actually found a couple but the only problem is I don't have a job!! I have to get my shit together. I have ran away from God (oh Rick is an atheist) and I have to try and get that relationship back..I just hate the fact of thinking that I didn't need him or at times questioning his existance to saying "oh, yeah I can't do this so sorry for all the bad crap, but can you give me what I want"? I have to move on.. I have options but none of them I want to take because it would mean a move out of state, taking the kids from their schools. I just don't know what to do. I wake up everyday hoping that it will be better than the one before. The kids are out of school this week and are supposed to go spend it with Dick-not sure if that will happen because we were graced with about 6 inches of snow yesterday. My plan was to go spend the week with my mom in Alabama.. Just so I'm not here miserable and alone all week.. Again, not sure what's going to happen. I just know that I'm tired of losing all the time. I want to be happy and right now I'm not. I keep telling myself that I held on before for 14 years, why can't I hold on for a few more until my kids get out of school. I know why-becasue he is making them miserable too. He is hurting the relationship that I have with my kids. He has already pushed 1 away, and I'll be damn if I will let him do the same to the other two. I need a job or atleast a couple of grand so that I can move out and start my life with my kids... Just doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon-I feel better and least if anyone reads this they will be pretty caught up. I plan on writing as often as possible because I can't afford therapy. Oh yeah-we are now broke!! He is working at a "new' company where he hasn't gotten paid but yet he can afford to buy his 9 year old a cell phone account and eat out every day.. While me and the older kids are eating sandwiches and chicken nuggets for dinner and I can't afford to give them money to go to the movies. If we had money I would just take it and move on, but that's were my problems are right now. We will see what today brings.. It's early and I have a long day ahead I'm sure!!