The Beginning

Well, I'm not going to go all the way back to the beginning, because I know how it begins. I will start by saying that I am in marriage number 2 and it isn't working out. I was married the first time for 14 1/2 years and I have 3 wonderful children from that. Looking back now, I guess my life wasn't so bad. I mean I didn't love him but we were comfortable. When I say that, I mean settled. It's almost like I had become numb to the emotional side of things and I had adjusted to where I was in my life. I had always been a mom first. Money was always tight but we had just bought our first home after 14 years of renting and moving what seemed like every 6 months. He was never around. I raised the kids, made sure all the bills were paid and had a handful of (what I thought at the time) of best friends. We knew one another, knew what was expected and how the other acted. Comfortable... I got to the point where I didn't want to spend the rest of my life not feeling love by a man and I wanted to be happy, so I left. We had technically been seperated for months, just living in the same house. Then I met my current husband on line. When it was finally over with my ex (he got a girlfriend), then I kind of had to leave. I moved in with my current husband. Mistake #1. I have NEVER been on my own. I went from living with my parents to being married at 18, to being seperated with my husband to living with my boyfriend. It was kind of like a good samaratian on the part of my "boyfriend". I didn't have anywhere to go. I was actually staying in a hotel. Because of the drama and lack of money to take care of my children, We decieded they would live with my ex. I wanted to keep them in their school and I knew that if I didn't give my ex a reason to stay in town, he would leave the state, not pay child support and then I would lose everything. I thought I was doing what was best for my kids. Boy was I wrong. I should have NEVER left that house. I should have made him leave and keep that house (that was in my name BTW) and deal with things from there. If I could go back to that moment, I would change that much. Hell, I would probably just stay with my ex and remained in a loveless marriage. At least I wasn't required to do certain things and I know that my kids would be so much better off. Things with my second husband started off great. While we were dating he treated me like a queen. We went to expensive dinners ($300.00), he bought me tons of stuff (120.00 blue jeans), and really paid attention to me. I knew that this was how I wanted to spend the rest of life.. Well we got engaged about 5 months from the day we met. He planned a cruise for our wedding. Mistake #2.. Of course it would just be the two of us. I wanted my kids there and I should have said "lets have a wedding here, then go on a cruise", but I was still in the old mind frame of I don't have an opinion and if I do it's wrong, so I didn't say too much about it. About a week before the cruise we got into a huge fight and he told me not to worry about going that he was sure that he could find someone else (he actually named an old girlfriend) that would love to go. Mistake #3!!! I should have called things right there. I was still only living in his home, my kids didn't even have beds to sleep in. They were sleeping on blowup mats when they came for the weekend. But stupid me, thought I didn't want to give up this lifestyle, so I gave in to whatever he asked and that's the way it's been. It's been really rough-about a year after we were married I was awarded custody of my kids-they wanted to come live with me so we went to court and it was done. I was so happy. My husband on the other hand not at all. He started finding everything that he could to fuss about. He would actually bitch because the kids were getting crumbs in the barstool chairs!!!! I made sure that what ever the kids did I kept everything from him (I am going to start calling him Rick, and my first husband will be Dick, ok?) I would make sure that the house was spotless at all times, and if Rick decided not to get up until noon on Saturday I would keep the kids completely silent until then. Oh, have I mentioned that he has 3 kids too-they were a year old, 4 and 7 when we met (I think). So yeah, not only was I raising my 3 kids but his too. But I tried to be a great mom and and even better wife. Mistake #4-I should have put my kids before him and I didn't.. I have hurt my children so much over the past 3 years all because of him. He thinks that kids shouldn't be kids. That he doesn't want messes or singing or dancing. I have made a statement to him recently about this being more like a prison than a home..It's the truth. We can only watch TV that he approves of or he will make horrible comments and tell us to turn that shit off. He complains about everything we do so we have no enjoyment in anything!! I have lost contact with my dad because of him. My ex husband has decided to remain "family" with my family. Yeah it sucks and I hate it. It just sucks because I don't have any support on my side anymore. I am really alone and now Rick has come to me and told me that he is miserable, and that he doesn't know what he wants any more. Well I just can't keep breaking down and begging him to love me. I finally told him last night (after having a fight over facebook!) that he has to fight for me. Prove to me that he loves me and tell me that he doesn't want to live without me and that he wants to grow old with me. I don't see it happening so I really need to get my act together and figure out what I'm going to do. Oh and because of all the stress in this house one of my boys now lives with Dick 6hrs away!! So, lets see.. I have lost my God,my father, and my son because of this ass whole but I still want to work it out and spend the rest of my life with him??? What the hell is wrong with me? Am I afraid of being alone? If that's what it is I have to grow up... I need to realize that if I don't then I will be miserable for the rest of my life. It truly sucks to love someone and not have them love you back. To promise to do whatever it takes to make a marriage work only to have the other person not try. I started looking for a house last week. And actually found a couple but the only problem is I don't have a job!! I have to get my shit together. I have ran away from God (oh Rick is an atheist) and I have to try and get that relationship back..I just hate the fact of thinking that I didn't need him or at times questioning his existance to saying "oh, yeah I can't do this so sorry for all the bad crap, but can you give me what I want"? I have to move on.. I have options but none of them I want to take because it would mean a move out of state, taking the kids from their schools. I just don't know what to do. I wake up everyday hoping that it will be better than the one before. The kids are out of school this week and are supposed to go spend it with Dick-not sure if that will happen because we were graced with about 6 inches of snow yesterday. My plan was to go spend the week with my mom in Alabama.. Just so I'm not here miserable and alone all week.. Again, not sure what's going to happen. I just know that I'm tired of losing all the time. I want to be happy and right now I'm not. I keep telling myself that I held on before for 14 years, why can't I hold on for a few more until my kids get out of school. I know why-becasue he is making them miserable too. He is hurting the relationship that I have with my kids. He has already pushed 1 away, and I'll be damn if I will let him do the same to the other two. I need a job or atleast a couple of grand so that I can move out and start my life with my kids... Just doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon-I feel better and least if anyone reads this they will be pretty caught up. I plan on writing as often as possible because I can't afford therapy. Oh yeah-we are now broke!! He is working at a "new' company where he hasn't gotten paid but yet he can afford to buy his 9 year old a cell phone account and eat out every day.. While me and the older kids are eating sandwiches and chicken nuggets for dinner and I can't afford to give them money to go to the movies. If we had money I would just take it and move on, but that's were my problems are right now. We will see what today brings.. It's early and I have a long day ahead I'm sure!!